As some of you may have figured out, time is the lone true luxury. It’s one of the only things we have absolutely zero control over. We can’t speed it up or slow it down no matter how hard we try. And whether you invested in a relationship for 5 years, 5 months, or 5 days, you will never be able to stand before the world and reclaim that time, as much as we’d like to sometimes. It’s only natural when breakups occur that we reflect and possibly even lament on things said and done in an attempt to make sense of how we landed back in the single pool. And sometimes, that reflection leads to us vowing to never waste our time again. Makes sense, but that approach can also cause some issues.
Those who have a bad taste in their mouth over previous relationships may never even make it to the relationship stage again, because of this ideology of “it’s not the right time.” Generally speaking, this concept leans heavily on men who feel like--based on situations, circumstances or some other source of hesitancy--that the timing isn’t right, and they’re just “not ready.”
Some women call bullshit on that “excuse,” and you may be right depending on the guy. But as a man who’s been there and said those exact words, I’m here to tell you that it really may not be the right time. I recently saw a tweet from the homie Veteran Freshman (@YusufYuie) which read, “When you only needed her to wait like one more year for you to be ready for a relationship and she leaves” (insert any crying meme you’d like). Not only was this tweet extremely hilarious, but it truly resonated with me, because at some point in time, I’ve totally felt that way and I’m sure there are plenty of other men that can relate, too.
Whether it’s good, bad or indifferent reasoning, I’d like to share 4 possible explanations on why it may not be the right time for ol’ boy.
His Money Is Funny: I’ve been there too many times. When your pockets are on rabbit ears, lint balls and all. Sometimes this can be circumstantial--you may have lost your job or had an unforeseen event that depletes your checking and savings account. Whatever the reason, shit happens, and it takes a toll on a man. Let’s be real, in order to court, date, get into a relationship or whatever you want to call it these days, it costs some form of currency. Yes, one can definitely cut costs--for example making dinner at home as opposed to going out, or hitting up some free events--but guess what? It still costs money to get to the location and it still costs money for groceries, so either way, you’re coming out of pocket. As a man, we’re taught that we’re supposed to be a natural provider, so we have big egos and we’re definitely prideful in that department and aspire to take care of our woman and our family, so when finances are tight, it can be a true let-down and doesn’t always give us the confidence that we’re going into a relationship the right way. I know some women may not understand that, and you’re not meant to. You’re not a guy! But that’s how it is, and forcing a man to see things from your perspective instead of trying to understand his own isn’t always going to work out in your favor.
He’s Focused, Man: He’s really working on his mind, body and spirit in order to be the best version of himself, loving himself first so that he can really love you. Like the title of my previous post, he’s finding himself to find the one. Some of you may be saying, “But, I want to grow alongside my man.” Yes, that’s awesome, we love and want that, but there are certain revelations and battles that can only be overcome alone. I’m not devaluing the importance of having a strong woman by your side to help you through it, but sometimes having that person around can be a crutch as opposed to someone that’s really pushing you to live your best life.
He’s Sowing His Royal Oats: Let me try my best to clarify here…he’s afraid that if he takes that next step, he’s going to destroy it by cheating. I’m not saying he’s plotting to cheat or he did cheat already, but there’s this weird thing that goes on once you get a girlfriend or are married. It’s like vagina starts to fall from the sky and into our lap. It’s nuts (pun intended). The flesh is weak and it can be aggressive and extremely tempting, believe me. You’re left to wonder where all that was when you were single, but alas, some men find themselves in a sticky situation (pun intended). This might sound stupid, but from personal experience this is a real thing, and ultimately, wouldn’t you want a man who’s over that life? A man needs that time to see what’s out there and do whatever, so that once he’s chosen someone to settle down with, his eyes stay on you.
It’s Not Him, It’s You: Now, this one may be a bit hard for some of you to hear, but he’s hesitant because he’s unsure about you. Think of this…what if he peeped things about you that you didn’t even notice about yourself, and it’s starting to make him a little weary? He’s not perfect, but neither are you. Maybe he wants to see how you deal with particular things, situations and people over time to try and get an understanding of your true character before committing to something he’s not sure about from the jump. Time, as uncontrollable as it may be, really does reveal all. There’s an old adage that says, “You get the representative for the first 90 days,” and I believe it. We all try to be our best version of ourselves in the beginning to impress the other person, but what if on day 91 you flip the script and start being on some other shit that he’s just not down with? Patience, young grasshopper. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
These explanations are not law, of course. There could be other reasons why he’s hesitant or maybe the man you’re dealing with actually decides to jump into a relationship with you, regardless of where he's at. The key is communication. In my humble opinion, there’s a vast amount of women out here that try to Jedi mind-trick themselves into believing that their situation with a guy they're dealing with is much more serious than what it really is. Don't be one of these women.
But, if you do get the "I'm not ready" speech, then I'm telling you that there's literally nothing a woman can do that will compel a man to want to be with her. It’s totally up to him. It’s something that should naturally take its course, and I can’t stress enough the importance of being patient and taking your time.
As we all know relationships take a lot of work, it’s hard enough navigating through this crazy world alone, imagine trying to do it with a whole other person that has their own set of experiences and beliefs, the addition of that person could be your greatest asset or your worst nightmare, my best advice is to choose wisely and follow your gut.
Jacky Wright is striving to become a master in the art of living; pursuing his vision of excellence and blurring the lines between work and play.