I know it’s not Throwback Thursday, but I came across this Facebook post I wrote almost two years ago. We can call this…Summoning the Past Sunday?
Anyway, I wrote this “note” a couple months after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend and taking on the single life. After reading it now, I’ve realized that not much has changed. Not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing, but I found it kind of interesting, nonetheless.
Here it is:
The Single Life–July 12, 2011
I’m not “talking” to anyone. Not really dating anyone. Just going out and having fun. And although its, well, fun, it gets old sometimes. And then I have those moments when there’s nothing else to do but think (god, I hate those times) and all this shit comes into my brain:
I like him. Does he like me?
He’s a douchebag. I want him.
I know he’s hooking up with other girls, but whatever.
Why does he have to hook up with other girls?
I’m not jealous (she’s so ugly, I don’t get it)
I don’t want anything serious. But I seriously want you.
Who’s going to cuddle with me and watch Netflix.
No, I don’t want YOU to. I want him to.
Fuck my life.
You get the gist.
Anyway, people who know me know I’m forward. If I like you, you’ll know. If I’m not interested, you’ll know. I will go up and start a conversation with any random person and make friends in a split second. Let’s face it: I’m fun.
And funny, but that’s not the point.
Regardless of all that, I suck at being single.
It’s not so much I need someone to tell me on the daily that I’m beautiful and they love me, text me good morning and good night, spend free time together…blah blah blah
I pay my friends to do that (just kidding. kinda.)
I just don’t know how to play “the game.” And if you’re saying “Bruna, there is no game. Just do you. Be yourself and things will happen…” Then my response is to shut the fuck up (I say this with love).
That never works! As a female, I’m expected to just sit around and wait for a guy I like to make a move so that I know he’s interested. Well if you didn’t know already, I can’t do that.
If I want something to happen, I make moves. I’m aggressive. I like to KNOW, not wonder. But this in turn makes me question about whether or not the other person genuinely wants to see me, talk to me, etc. Or whether they feel obligated to because I’m this overpowering monster demanding their attention.
This is turning into a rant. I apologize.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that the more I think of the future, the scarier it seems.
When it comes to my career, I’m not afraid. I know I will succeed in that area and I’m set.
But when it comes to love, I’m scared shitless.
I’m at such a funky age, where I’m not young enough to just fuck around and do whatever but not old enough to be freaking out about whether or not I’m going to be alone the rest of my life.
Does the idea of marriage and all that jazz come into play? Of course. And the more I think about it, the more frightening it becomes.
Don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing. I love love. But are there relationships with substance anymore? Are there married couples who are genuinely happy together even after 5+ years?
When I get married, I want to be married to that one person for the rest of my life. And I hope that I can find the guy who will make me feel butterflies and smile when I see his face day after day, year after year. But I don’t know if I will.
I guess time will tell. Until then, I’ll just focus on what I do have: an amazing job, even more amazing friends, and Facebook.