Everything is either a blessing or a lesson, right? It's hard to see that, sometimes. Someone comes into your life, turns it upside down and then leaves, and you're stuck there like WTF just happened? I was there not too long ago, as you all know, and I wasn't sure how I'd come out of it. But I did come out of it, and I think I'm better for it.
My situation was more intense than I anticipated. Don't get me wrong, practically everything is intense in my love life (unless I don't really like you, then it's super chill). Anyway, I've told you stories about that particular experience, so you know about our amazing date and how I ultimately became tagged with the "S" word. Ugh, that still pisses me off.
Anyway, I was so down. SO. DOWN. I felt like someone took a samurai sword and shoved it in my chest and then was like, "Well, that's gonna stay there, so you just have to deal with it."
Moving hurt. Breathing hurt. Life hurt. But all pain is temporary.
Let me start by telling you that energy is a real thing. Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, I'm telling you--it's real. I've experienced it a number of times in my life. And it works both ways.
When I was down, I was emitting negative energy. Even if I was faking a smile and that things were OK, energy doesn't lie. So I was attracting negative energy--I started to let myself go, I was running into problems in all aspects of my life (work, friends, home...). It was a bad time. It was like I couldn't catch a break. I remember texting one of my good girlfriends, "I'm not happy." She would say, "How are we gonna change that?" And I had no clue. All I knew is the idea of selling all my shit and moving to an island seemed like an absolutely wonderful idea.
I got to the point where I didn't even want pictures taken of me because I felt so gross. That was tough on my mom, who's practically an aspiring paparazzo (not really but she takes pictures ALL THE TIME).
With all that said, you can see, I hit a low point. Lower than anything I've experienced in a long time. I questioned everything. EVERYTHING. And it was stressing me out. The only thing that was booming at that time was my blog, LOL. I was so inspired to write. Write out the pain. Write out what I was feeling. I was getting ideas, I was getting inspired. But everything else, was no good.
Then one day, I was done. When I say that, I don't mean the pain went away. Hardly. In fact, there are still days now that it stings. But I was done feeling like shit. It was EXHAUSTING. And I didn't like the person I was becoming. So I started making the changes to get on my road to recovery...
I stepped on the scale at my friends place in March and I damn near cried when I saw the number. It was higher than I've ever been, and that was only more confirmation that I didn't care about myself.
Since one of my friends from high school was getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was that much more inspired to get my physical body on track. I started meal-prepping every Sunday for the week. I'd go to Trader Joe's, get my groceries, come home and cook lunch and dinner for the week. Then, things began to naturally flow into a habit of healthier living.
I started doing yoga. I was super late to the yoga party. I didn't take my first class until a few months ago, but I instantly got into the groove of things. "It's clear you're meant to do this, now we just have to work on getting you stronger," my teacher told me after my first class. Boy, wasn't that the truth.
I'd go almost every day, and it quickly became an addiction. There was something so fulfilling about it all. I started to notice how much stronger I was than I thought, and that, in turn, made me feel mentally and emotionally stronger. I don't wanna say yoga saved me, because that's so cliche to say, but...yoga saved me.
I became so much calmer. I didn't stress as much. I didn't get anxious. I just...was.
All of this helped me get in better shape, and that obviously got me in a better headspace. I didn't step on a scale again, because I felt good, so I didn't want to see a number and let that decide whether or not my feelings were justified. Whatever my weight was, I didn't care. I felt like I was finally getting to myself again, or an even better version of myself, and I didn't want a number to change that.
My energy instantly changed. Yeah, I felt good, but I didn't realize that I was giving off a different vibe until I started to see things change around me. I got a promotion. I found a new apartment that I love. I was attracting a bunch of guys without even trying. I was like OK...I'm with this. I wasn't doing anything outwardly different, I was just working on me. But that affected everything else. Energy is a real thing.
I wanted to capture this shift somehow. So, I hit up one of my good friends who is a photographer and proposed a beach shoot. I had worked hard, and I wanted to show it off. He was game, so I put on my American Apparel one-piece and did my best to exude that confidence for the camera. We were both happy with the results, and I think my transformation was visible.
So, as for what the heartbreak taught me...Initially, I felt like it was a reminder that the love I've envisioned in my head is a real thing. That those feelings you read about or watch in a movie aren't a fairy tale, it's reality, because I felt it. I experienced it.
And while I still believe that, I think it's more than that.
I feel like this was all to help me become a better woman. You grow from every experience, because everything has a lesson to be taken from it, but I had more growing up to do than I thought, and maybe it took being torn down to really bring me to my full potential. I am a full upgrade than the person I was six months ago. And isn't that always the goal? I'll never stop being a work in progress, but I can see how far I've come, and I'm proud of that.
Hitting what might feel like rock bottom is the worst feeling in the world. Suddenly, the walls are closing in on you and life just seems like a task instead of an adventure. But the beauty of hitting bottom is having to rebuild, and now you have the freedom to create whatever (or whoever) you want.
I had the ability to mold myself into the woman I've always wanted to be, and maybe I wouldn't have been able to do that if I didn't have my heart broken. As painful as it was, I needed that push, and for that, I'm forever grateful.