As promised, here are the responses to your questions. I was going to choose only a few answers to post, but then I felt like I was depriving you guys from a variety of views, so they're all here! (And it's long. Apparently guys like to discuss this stuff, too!) If the guy I'm dating insists on being friends with his psycho ex-girlfriend should I believe that they are really just friends? How do I know if he serious about me or just playing games?
"There are two types of guys--one that will see that jealousy and it shows you care about him and the other sees it as annoying as fuck. It's common for anyone to harbor those types of feelings when an ex is still in the picture. My guess is that they had a relationship and it was serious which is why neither can fully get away from each other because despite if they still want each other they both get, understand, and or enjoy each others company. You will know if he is serious about you if and when you go out and the ex is present and he pays more attention to her than you. If that is the case, I'd run because despite if he likes you, it didn't work out between them so he settled for you. If he gives her some attention but is mainly on you the whole night you're fine."
"I don’t think it’s a question whether or not he is serious about you, but more so if he is really over his ex. Hard to answer not knowing the level of 'friends' they are, but if she is consistently involved in his life I would be concerned. You will be discussed when you’re not around, and no matter the situation, the ex is hardly ever on your team. The ex becomes someone to vent to, go to with issues, not to mention compare to. Also, coming from a guy who has created your situation, insisting on keeping an ex around means keeping that option open. It didn’t work that time, but maybe it will when we’re in different stages of our lives…"
"A lot of it depends on their relationship and their history. I'd like to say it's okay, but he shouldn't be going out of his way to hang out with an ex gf. If you believe the Ladder Theory, it will only be bad news."
"You have to talk to him about your feelings towards him. Let him know how you feel about him remaining friends with his ex. If you don't share these feelings he won't ever know. If you don’t like it, tell him. Ask to meet her, if she’s just a friend, then she can meet you. If he is serious about you he will let you be around them when he is. Once you're in their presence you will see everything you need to make up your decision. He needs to have the understanding of where you are with this. If you bottle your real feelings up there is going to be a lil dark side to your relationship. That is never good!"
"The desire to be friends with an X girlfriend is normally just an issue with the man to let go of his past. Being with someone new should take away their desire to have their past involved with their present, this is normally not a good sign, I would use this as a warning that maybe feelings are still involved and maybe you might be a time filler until he thinks his girlfriend is no longer 'psycho.'"
"There is no such thing as being friends with an ex girlfriend, especially in today’s society. I look at it like this, if a dude wants to stay friends with a crazy ex or ex in general and you know about it that’s just making it easier for him to talk to her and you not get mad because he says they’re just friends, when really he still cares for the girl so he is keeping her around for backup or whatever. If he is serious he will cut his ex off completely to make you feel comfortable. If he really likes you then why would he want to keep his ex in the picture when he knows it bothers you?"
"A guy that wants to have problems around is a SERIOUS PROBLEM. Cut the chord."
"It really just depends. Some guys may like her 'crazy company'. Others just want a a quick shag."
My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up now for 6 months. He basically told me he loved me, was in love with me, and that I was everything he could ever hope for in a wife but his heart wasn't in it and he couldn't get over his fear of marriage. The night we broke up and he left my house we were both devastated and sobbing. I told him I couldn't just be his friend and to not contact me unless it was because he changed his mind. Now 6 months later we have had no contact except briefly at a friends wedding. The problem is I absolutely love this guy still, with my whole heart. I have been trying to move on and let it go but it hasn't been working as well as I hoped. He is the one, but on the other hand I know it takes 2 and 6 months of silence tells me he doesn't feel the same. I have been strong and stubborn by not contacting him, and most people agree that that is the best thing you can do... However lately I have been seeing all sorts of post about, if you love someone tell them, life is too short. And I start to wonder, what if it makes a difference?! Should I just reach out one last time or do I continue on my no silence streak. Honestly I just want him to know that my silence isn't my way of saying screw it, I want him to know how much I really loved him and still do. I'm driving myself crazy! I want to know if there could still be another chance for us. Help!
"That's a rough one and I've been there and it sucks big time, but one thing I've learned about this situation is that it never makes sense in the end if someone is 'not ready' or is 'afraid.' That always comes with a side of BS. It doesn't matter if you are scared or not, love is love and if you really care for someone you fight for them not just leave them to make a move. If 6 months go by and he isn't realizing his mistake he has probably moved on, despite his posts that could just be a ploy to keep you interested, because if it's one things we guys hate is for our ex gf to have a new person before us. I understand he maybe the one for you but if you were the one for him he would make it happen."
"Coming in as the honest truth. He’s over it. 'Fear of marriage' was an easy way to say he doesn’t want to be with you, but cares enough about you to not completely crush you. So allow me to do it for you. This is him letting you down easy. Not saying it’s right, not saying it’s honest, but he hasn’t spent the last 6 months torn up about this like you have been. Yes if you love him, tell him. If he doesn’t reciprocate that feeling back, spend your time/energy on someone who will, because at the end of the day when he still doesn’t feel the same way, you’re never getting that back. Life isn’t a movie. Love and grand gestures don’t always turn into a fairly tale."
"Have you reconsidered your stance on marriage? If he's 'the one' then you should be more concerned with being with him. If you're in love and it's a healthy relationship, the only thing you're missing with marriage is a ring and some legal and insurance benefits. I respect the guy for holding that silence (I certainly wouldn't be able to hold it), but if he's the one, step up and reach out to him, though only if you'd be ok putting off marriage for a while and compromising your stance."
"You must always follow your heart. The only X factor is that in 6 months he hasn't even contacted you. Don't go chasing waterfalls. If you absolutely feel like you love him, go to him and tell him how you feel, in person. If you truly feel with all of YOU that he belongs to you, then you have to fight for him. Just don't play yourself to set yourself up for deeper heartbreak. He obviously wants to be single. Are you prepared to just be another girl he's dating? You can't make a man commit, that has to come from him."
"In regards to love, it is always tough to walk away from it. But in the end, it is necessary for both parties to feel the same way. His excuse of being 'afraid' of marriage is a cowards way out. Unfortunately, a man who truly means he wants to spend the rest of his life with you wont be afraid to the idea of marriage. This isn't to say that there is no future for you and him, but at this point he may not be ready to settle down and commit. I would continue the silence and move on with your life. For as many posts you see about you should tell someone you love them, life is short, there's another one saying let love go and if its meant to be it will come back to you."
"This is a tough one; your heart knows what it wants even when your mind is telling you different. The probably does care about you but then again there could be someone else and he just needed to let you down easy while he pursued another girl. That may not be case, maybe he just needed his space because marriage is a huge life changing commitment. If you really love the guy then tell him one last time because like Drizzy says 'Yolo' so I don’t think you should keep your feelings inside. After you tell him let him go and if he really loves you and once he will be back when he is ready. I don’t think you should just wait around for him move on if you can. I hope this helps."
"You ever have somebody break your favorite toy? You can try fixing it but it's never going to be the same & you'll always have that lil bit of spite towards ‘em."
"If you really love him and you want to spend the rest of life with him, tell him. Love is real and when it slaps you in the face its for a reason. He clearly has feelings for you and doesn’t know how to express them. Yes, what he said hurt you, but also living the rest of your life without the one you love will be disappointing. In true 'The Notebook' fashion, follow your heart."
Why do men twist classifications such as "dating" "seeing each-other" "talking to" into whatever works for them. If we ask you if you are dating anyone else and your going to be honest and say yes why do you not just give us the 50% truth instead of the full 100%. Most respectable women who have self respect are not going to stick around long enough for you to stagger around and finally get to the truth we want to know cut and dry are you seeing someone else yes or no.
"First off ladies, you do this song and dance way more then men do. 'dating,' 'talking,' 'fuck buddies' all have one thing in common. You do not own me and I do not own you. Now here is the deal if you ask us if we are seeing people of course we are going to answer no because you will immediately become disinterested. This is what I've liked to call 'the game' If I ask a girl what are we and she goes we are dating. To me she maybe is interested in a couple other guys but right now she's fucking me. One thing though that I'd like to point out is that if you are straight and dry with us, most of the time we will be back because women as we have all learned are cryptic as shit. Most women hip to this game though as you said will leave and go off. But I'd say be straight up with us well be straight with you. Remember we most likely approached you so there really is no need to lie to us."
"Beyond how he words it, in his mind it’s all about the level of exclusivity. I’m going to go ahead and assume that the instances you’re referring to was all prior talking to him about whether on not your relationship is exclusive. Want a straight answer if he’s seeing anyone else? Ask him. 'Hey Ian, we have been hanging out the last few weeks and I’m not fucking anyone else and I’d like to think you’re not either.' Listen to his response, read his body language, and then be honest with yourself (aka be willing to see through BS if you think he’s lying)."
"I think men 'twist' their words around because they're afraid of hurting your feelings. There's really no significant difference between 'talking to,' 'dating,' and 'seeing each other,' in my opinion - they all mean that he's interested to some degree in someone else. As a rule of thumb, I always focus my conversations and efforts on the person I'm with, even if there are other people, and I'd suggest the same for you - male or female. People are attracted to confidence and worrying about the other person they're seeing will only lessen the chances of things working out with you two."
"You answered your own question. Most women aren't going to stick around staggering for the ultimate relationship. Men will push this envelope all the time. If you're attractive & great in bed he is going to try and keep you around for as long as possible, without any commitments. So you get the casual responses defining what your relationship is. Put your self-respect above all a man’s BS and you won't get dragged along or put on the back burner."
"In my honest opinion there are 2 reasons why men twist around that little 'title' game of a relationship. Is it me or are there new ways to avoid saying you are committed with every passing relationship. Now I am going to side with the good guys first and say a man might be afraid of the title because early in the relationship a majority of men fear the commitment idea. They try to dance around the title so that he doesn't feel as if he is stuck in something so quickly. He's not trying to confuse you as a woman, he's just confused with himself and when he figures it out he will be nothing but excited to commit. Now onto the sleazy guys who think that adjusting a title justifies his lies and sleeping around. He tries to confuse one girl that he's in a relationship but his play on words makes him feel less guilty because, in his mind, he technically isn't committed cause you are only 'seeing each other' or 'talking to' you. It is definitely hard to determine which one of these is the man you are dating currently but in time you will notice the difference."
"To be honest the guy really may just be dating or talking to someone and its not serious. He could have a girlfriend and he just doesn’t want to tell you because he wants you too. Guys play games and it’s your job to read through the BS and make sure you don’t get played. Guys like to do what they want when they want but don’t like it when the girl does the same thing, such a double standard."
"Rule of thumb for dating, if the person is giving off a playing their cards vibe, drop that person. Unless of course you wanna play 21questions forever."
"The truth is, honestly, men are sometimes just as confused as you ladies. Of course being straight to the point would be great, but with some women, men just don't know where they really stand so the '50% truth' is all that we really have!"
How do Men Define the following and what do think we define the following as:
"I'd say we are together maybe not bf/gf yet but it will be soon."
"To me if I use this term, she is the only one. We go to dinner/hookup/exclusive. Still getting to know each other. Reserved emotional commitment prior to the 'Oh so Holy Facebook official GF'"
"'We've been on a few (1-8+) dates'"
"Going out with one particular woman solely, and having an intimate connection."
Seeing Each other:
"Its nothing I might have sex with you every now and then but for the most part we talk rarely."
"A lesser frequency of dating, but same level of casual perhaps without hooking up."
"Exactly what you wrote. Occasionally grabbing a drink or hanging out."
"By personal experience, I define this as someone I don’t really want to date, but drunkenly hookup with cause it’s there. No dinners/cute shit/etc until you’re leaving the bar and both going home drunk knowing exactly what’s about to go down."
"People can define this as making out in the back seat or fucking, but implies a predominantly physical relationship with the potential of emotions forming."
"Making out and some intimacy, rid you know what I mean."
"We have sex when its convenient for each other but there’s not real love there its more for the act of sex, lustful but in the end we are just good friends."
"You don’t even have to make the drunk mistake to get action from this girl. Both knows what they want from each other, typically on the same page and not wanting the whole dating scene for whatever reason."
"Slam piece: strictly a booty call and means of getting ass, no emotions. As a note, women should not anticipate dates or any emotions to form (not saying they won't) if the guy asks or describes your relationship bluntly as such."
"AKA my booty call buddy. We've all watched the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. That exactly!"
Friends with Benefits:
"Self-explanatory? I feel like someone always gets attached though and it’s a cluster fuck.."
"Same thing as a "Fuck Buddy", but usually you were friends first."
Dating for a month: Talking to other people okay? yes or no
"If it’s a solid we hang out a couple times a week and have dinner, dates, talk about our day, better not be anyone else. So no, not ok."
"Personally? I think it’s fucked up to talk to other girls when “dating.” To me that word comes with exclusivity. Just be aware, alotta guys do it."
"Depends on the relationship. In my opinion, I can and she can talk to whoever, whenever we want if we haven't discussed being exclusive - one week, one month, one year. Honesty and open communication lead to healthy relationships and making assumptions about exclusivity can lead to heartache. Also, I believe you should focus on the person you're with and not about any others, so to me it's never even a topic of conversation unless I'm asked about it explicitly."
"Men and women can both talk to other people."
Dating for a few months: talking to other people okay? Yes or No
"Hell no stop trying to play people either settle or get the fuck on and realize you are not ready for a relationship."
"You should have a level of commitment by this stage. No, be serious and build trust and honesty with this significant other."
What is a man’s definition of a needy woman?
"Needy woman would be defined as if we are at a bar and you can’t hold your own with people. If you have to be at my side the entire night you are needy. When we go out yea ill come up and kiss you let you know you are mine and show people we are together but I shouldn't have to cater to your every need."
"Oh dear, if I really wanted to I could screenshot some gems off my phone of examples of what the fuck NOT to do ladies. Needy? Have to hangout 6-7 days a week. Only giving your guy time with his friends when you are busy. Texting multiple times before he has a chance to reply. Asking to look at his phone. Asking who is he talking to EVERY time he gets a text. Shit like this drives me up the fucking wall."
"These are relative terms...to me I like feeling needed, to a point. It makes me feel important. I would define 'needy' in the negative connoting manner that it's being asked about as not being able to go about life on their own. For example, I would get annoyed about having to build all a girl's furniture, give restaurant recommendations, drive twenty minutes to kill a spider in her apartment, etc. Not saying that I would never or would never want to do those things, but it's about the pattern and frequency of behavior. It's ok to ask for favors and to help one another, but it should be a balanced relationship. Also, learn how to use Google - it'll answer most of your questions."
"Needy women aren't self-reliant. They are helplessly dependent on a man. This is a worst case scenario in my opinion. Do not be a needy person. This day in age no one has time for that. Stage 5 clinger, if you didn't watch Wedding Crashers please do so. It is illustrated perfectly. This is the psycho girl that will never go away. Please don't be this girl ever! Independent women are self-reliant and don't need a man for anything. These are the types of women most men seek out."
"Easily classified as a girl who doesn't give her man a chance to live his life. For example, my friend who was in an extended relationship with this girl, disappeared from our lives as a friend because of his new found love. Now this is very common but one night really stood out in my mind when we finally got a chance to see him. We were at his home which she shares with him and we were outside talking and catching up (just the guys). Within 5 minutes she pokes her head out and says why did you leave, come back inside I want you with me. This is what I classify as a needy woman."
"A woman who needs love and affection 24/7 a woman who is insecure and needs you to tell her things all day and night that will make her feel better."
"A needy women is one who cannot have fun without her bf. One who is constantly giving me phone calls when I'm out with the lads or at the basketball game. Looking through all my text messages and saying stuff like 'are you sure you love me? What do you think about her? Is she better looking than me?'"
What is a man's definition of a Stage 5 clinger?
"Stage 5 clinger. If we hook up and maybe it was whatever for me but you have my number. You start constantly texting me even if I don't respond. And when I don't respond you keep texting me. You find me on facebook and instagram comment and like all my statuses and posts. Not cool realize the guy isn't that into you and let it go."
"If my whole phone screen is filled with your texts and not one reply from me… You miggghhhtt be a clinger. If you randomly show up at the bar when I’m out with guy friends to 'surprise me'…. You miggghhhtt be a clinger. If my Facebook wall is covered in posts from you, one after another…. You miggghhhtt be a clinger. If your profile picture is a photo of us after our first date… You miggghhhtt be a clinger."
"I have had the benefit of never having to deal with a stage fiver. So trying to describe what she might be is really difficult. I definitely believe that a girl who doesn't get the picture that a man isn't interested. Constantly bothering and contacting the man even with all the signs is the best description."
"Thinking about her man all day everyday, texting all day always wanting to check is just suffocating your guy which will then kill your relationship. A woman who can’t function without her dude."
"Stage 5 clinger always appears at all my functions even though I know she hates some of them. Always wants to be around me, even when I'm playing poker, even though she'd rather be watching Oxygen. Get my drift......"
What's a mans definition of a independent woman?
"An independent woman to me is a girl that can go months and not need to talk or even look at a man. She has a job her own place and is just doing her. She can handle lunch alone and not go out on a Friday night. She doesn't need to text her bf all day and if she doesn't talk to him for two days doesn't freak out."
"Oh the independent woman. How do you know a woman is an independent woman? Don’t worry, she’ll tell you. Good for you, you’re independent! You have an attitude! You’re snarky, sarcastic, and with your finger waving, 'don’t need no man playing games.' Cool bro. But honestly, half of you 'independent women' are stuck up, self entitled bitches (yes I said it) who want a guy you can walk all over. I’m glad you and Beyoncé found your call in life, but I really don’t give a shit you can stand up to a man or whatever else you think comes with that title. The independent woman I want is self-supportive with her emotions together, punctual, classy, and self-respecting. She knows when to give me space, but also knows how to be there for me."
"Even though every many wishes he has this girl do not think its the best situation. An independent woman actually instills fear in a lot of men who are insecure and aren't sure of themselves. I categorize an independent woman as a girl who is sure of herself, who has goals and will not allow anyone get in her way to achieve them. She knows she loves a man and will not put him second, but neither will she put her career there either. She finds a balance of life and love and allows a man to reach for the same thing."
"Career, own money, takes care of her bills, takes the guy out to eat buys the guy stuff for no reason. A woman who does not need a man to support her. Doesn’t ask the guy to bower money all of the above."
"An independent woman is one who likes her time with her friends and at the same time trusts me with mine. Wants to make her decisions when its date night and likes to be herself when she's around me. However at the same time knows her role as a lady. Once in a while the guy can buy dinner, open the car door, pull out the chair at dinner. Remember chivalry? Yes she can be a damsel once in a while, not because she's weaker than me, because she's a beautiful woman. And deserves it."
What signals do men provide via text messages that women are supposed to take as sure indications that you’re interested.
"If he is asking how your day was, what you are doing tonight, if you want to come hang out with him or 'meet up at the bar' or even if he tells you what bar he’s going to be at. Ex 'Ill be at Barneys tonight if you're around.' things like these, he is definitely interested in seeing you."
"I think these things are true for both genders. But, generally, I think emoticons, punctuation, 'haha,' and the speed and frequency at which he responds can show interest (but the opposite is not always true where if he doesn't respond instantly he's not). Also, if he's curious and asking random questions, he wants to get to know you. If he asks you to text when you get home or asks how your day was, he cares. From my point of view, men are not trying to actively play games with women, they're trying to interpret and play along. Generally, women spend much more time thinking about the relationship than men do and, as a result, are much more mature and emotionally intelligent. As sad as it may be, sometimes it's better for you (ladies) to assume ignorance and treat men accordingly."
"If he texts you kind greeting like messages. If texts have compliments and sweet words, more of a flirtatious message that is implying he would like to see you. If the text is accompanied with emoji or emoji like smiles. If his texts are dry and simple he is probably not that into you or waiting for you to do something to show you're interested. Some guys are weenies. So you may have to step it up a notch. Be that 21st century women and take charge. Its okay these days."
"The ever evolving electronic contact is becoming more confusing with those damn emogis and winky faces. Its really easy to confuse your mind if you try to read into text messages (DO NOT READ INTO THINGS!!!). I think the best sign is the increase in frequency in which the messages come in. The desire to see you more often via text is a good sign as well (Men do fear rejection just as much as women and its not as hard being rejected via text messaging). Its just really hard for a man to open up in person, this text thing is just confusing things more because of the lack of face to face interaction."
"Just consistent text messages, If he tells you good morning or ask you about your day and what not that pretty much means he likes or is interested in you. If he texts you randomly throughout the day that means your on his mind. I would not pay attention to the content as much as I would pay attention to the actions that are taken place."
"When we make jokes about something. Genuinely comment on your beauty unexpectantly, or just to start a conversation. E.g 'Hey BLANK, you looked great today, just thought you should know that :)' That's a great way of us saying, dang she's hot, I want to strike a convo with her."
I want to know if your booty call requests you on Facebook and Instagram and starts calling you more..if he wants something more serious?
"He's getting attached and probably wants more or the idea of you being with someone else is starting to bug him. If not those then he wondering if he is getting played or not and either wants to find out if he is or wants to be around you more."
"Are you his booty call? Or is he yours? I don’t think I could ever take a 'booty call' serious in a committed relationship. Though I also don’t think any self-respecting person will be someone’s booty call."
"If a guy wants something more serious, he won't do it subtly like that. I think you're overthinking this one."
"Well Ms. Bootycall! If he goes as far as adding you to his social media and is calling you often, congratulations ms thing you're great in bed, for starters. Secondly, yeah he is probably leaning towards actually dating and or seeing you in public. Just always remember how you start a relationship is usually what will define it!"
"Its so difficult to change from a booty call to something more serious. I am not saying its impossible but if it all started with casual sex its hard to envision a deeper connection with that individual. Men are an interesting being, their ego will always take over. A very legitimate reason why this 'booty call' is trying to get more involved in your life is because he wants to make sure you don't have anyone else. Yes!!!! its ridiculous, but oh so true. He wants to make sure you are all his. So him keeping tabs on Facebook and Instagram is basically making sure if you have a fuck buddy, that's he's the only one. This isn't the only reason, he may well just really enjoy your friendship and will want you to be involved with his life, beyond just the sex, but ego still reigns in the male world."
"Hell no, he probably just broke up with his ex and now he an actually start talking to you in public, something he has always wanted. You’re still his booty call and now he just does not have to hide it."
"They are NOT all booty call requests. Not to say some are, but when a guy goes out of his way to mention something you are genuinely passionate about, (your career, family, hobbies) we are clearly looking for some conversation or something substantial between you and them."