You guys can't imagine how many times I hear this--"Bruna, you're too picky!" And it annoys me. Yes, I'm picky, but I feel like when you have a lot to offer, you're allowed to be picky. Yet, my dating record doesn't match up with my pickiness. It's all very odd.
Until I read something yesterday and it all became clear. First, a little back story...A few months ago I went with my roommate to hear Matthew Hussey speak (he's a dating guru that wrote the book Get the Guy, plus he has an accent so I love listening to him talk).
I didn't think much of it going in, but left feeling inspired, empowered and clear-headed. It was actually a great experience and I urge anyone to try and see him when he's in town. Anyway, I digress...
After his lecture, I began getting emails regularly, all of them very personalized with a "Hey Bruna" at the top. It took me a few emails before I realized these weren't just to me, but it still felt nice. The content of these messages were all about a variety of topics concerning dating, and while a lot of them peaked my interest, the email last night resonated with me.
Subject line: "Are Your Standards Too High? Answer These 3 Questions"
I clicked and began reading.
Question 1: "Are You Looking For Something That Actually Exists?" Yes, I am. I know this because I've met the guy already.
Question 2: "Are Your Standards A Defense Mechanism?" Hmmm...I wasn't sure about this one so I read on...
"A lot of women, just to remove themselves from the game, tell themselves something like this, 'I'm too fussy.' I know many women that will only date men they think will never reject them. They'll date the nice guy. They'll date the guy who's safe, who's comfortable, whom they know will never walk away.
The one that could actually harm them, reject them, and make them feel small--that's the guy they'll never approach. They stay within the little pool of people that they date. They think these guys are beneath them but are surprised when no one meets their standards."
OMG that's me! I sometimes wonder if my standards are too high, but in reality, I date guys that are "not on my level" as my friends would say, and that's because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough for the guy that "is on my level" so I play it safe but in actuality, I'm selling myself short.
"If this second question applies to you, then you know that the change you need to make isn't lowering your standards. The change you need to make is allowing yourself to be vulnerable again."
Being vulnerable has always been a challenge for me--yes, I know, you're probably confused by that since I have a blog that reveals my most intimate thoughts and fears--but it's true.
I also connected with question 3: "Are You Enforcing Your Standards Too Soon?"
"When you're dating, you don't want to be so picky at the outset that you never actually get the chance to connect with someone and get to know him. Many women will say on the first date that they already know if he's not right for them.
But, the truth is, very often our high standards are what brings up somebody else's game. This is one of the things people forget when they say, 'I should lower my standards.' Lowering your standards will simply mean that people will start lowering the standard of their behavior around you. You'll start to meet worse and worse guys. You'll even find this happening with the same guys you've been dating."
The second thing I hear the most is--"Bruna, you don't give guys a chance!"
And, well, I don't. Sometimes it's true, I just know off the bat it's not gonna happen. Sorry! But there have definitely been times when the connection with someone grew over time.
So there it is...Bruna's problem(s) with dating. Now I just gotta make an attempt to fix it.