Some of you may know that SZA recently released her album CTRL, and as the young folk say, “It’s lit,” and it’s also soulful. But when I reached the song, “The Weekend,” I couldn’t help but think she was talking about dating a guy like me. If you haven’t heard the song, SZA sings about being the other woman. “My man is my man is your man/ Her, that's her man,” she sings. “Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday/ I just keep him satisfied through the weekend/ You're like 9 to 5, I'm the weekend/ Make him lose his mind every weekend.” A while back, I was at a kickback hosted by a friend from college. I went by myself because my girlfriend decided to stay home. Drinks were flowing, and then I saw her. She was so gorgeous, I lost my train of thought when she walked by me. I had a girlfriend, so I didn’t approach her, but as the night went on, we ended up playing drinking games on the same team.
During the game, we got a chance to talk, and she seemed down to earth, smart and open-minded. It started to get late, so I was about to leave when she asked me if I could walk her to her car because it was dark. I’m from the South, so it didn’t matter how I felt about her, I wasn’t going to let a woman walk alone in the dark. But while walking her to the car, she asked for my number. I informed her that I had a girlfriend, but she insisted that she only wanted a friend and nothing more.
It started off with texting each other from time to time. In the beginning, our conversations were harmless. We talked about family, life and the problems with dating. As I started having issues with my girlfriend, things became a little more intense between us. I began calling and texting her more. Then one day I crossed a line I could not come back from--I slept with her. I felt like shit for cheating, but I continued to hook up with her, and as hard as it may be to understand, it felt right.
Before hearing this song, I thought the girl I was messing with was OK with being the other woman, because she knew I had a girl, but now I’m thinking perhaps that wasn’t the case? Maybe I convinced myself she was cool with being my side-chick because that made the entire situation seem less messy?
I believed she was OK with the small amount of time we spent, because she was always excited to see me. We would talk about each other’s goals, everyday issues, crack jokes on each other and, of course, have great sex. Whenever I called her to come over, she wouldn’t even hesitate. Whenever I wanted to go over, there was never an issue. I know I had somebody else, but I could never let her go. She was truly an escape from the problems of everyday life, as selfish as that may sound.
She’d give me her all--physically, emotionally and mentally--while knowing I am only giving back half. I’d find myself wishing I was with her, but at the same time, feeling horrible because I knew I was hurting another woman. I can’t help but feel as though I held some special place in her life, for the sheer fact that she kept putting her pride aside for us to do what we were doing. I knew I was selfish when it came to my girlfriend, but now I realize that I was also selfish with her and inconsiderate of her emotions. The terrible position I put her in, always making her feel like second best, keeping her a secret, leaving her alone so I could be with my girlfriend. I can only imagine the questions that would pop into her mind:
“Am I only worth being second place to the man I want?”
“What does she have that I don't?”
“Is he with her right now?”
“Will I always have to settle for this or do I deserve better?”
“What am I doing wrong? Why won’t he be with me?”
She settled with being second, compromised her morals, and even lied to people she loved about our affair. Sometimes I wonder if it hurt her to see pictures of my girlfriend and I on social media. I guess it would hurt anyone to see the person you want loving someone else. And even then, after treating her as if she wasn’t that important, she continued to protect my feelings.
To my personal SZA:
I just want to apologize for hurting you. I really did care for you, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time. At that point in my life, I just liked myself more and was extremely selfish. I was a jerk and inconsiderate of your feelings. If I could go back, I would have let you be free instead of being selfish by begging you to stay in my life. Each time I fought for you to stay while knowing I was committed to someone else. I apologize for giving you false hope and putting you on an emotional rollercoaster. What hurts me the most is knowing that I treated so many women the same I way treated you. All I can say to you and to those women is I’m sorry, and I hope one day you can forgive me.