The more I think about it, the more I realize my problem with dating can be summed up in about three words--"I'm not ready." That's not me saying it, that's the guy I'm into saying it to me. I swear that's the line I get almost every time I meet someone I actually care to date, and I just never really understood it. What do you mean you're not ready? Ready for what?
You see, females and males differ in all kinds of ways (obviously), and most women find this whole "not ready" thing to be an excuse. Why? Because more often than not, we're willing to make a man fit into our routine and our life without hesitation, regardless of where we are in our journey of life.
Guys...not so much.
The last guy who threw that line at me really left me questioning everything.
Although it's understandable that during times of heartbreak, one would go to her girlfriends for some guidance and insight, we also need to take one simple fact into consideration--women don't understand men. So asking another female what this guy is thinking doesn't always help.
Men, however, understand men. Therefore, I went to my best guy friend for some wisdom and what he told me made sense, so I'm sharing it with you because I know others have been in my shoes.
For background: He already knew a little bit about my situation, but not everything, so when he asked for an update on my love life, this is how it went:
(via text message)
Me: Basically he said he's not ready.
Him: Damn..Well, its not like he didn't like you, he just wasn't ready.
Me: But see I don't understand that. To me it's just like, if you really liked me, you'd be with me regardless.
Him: I'm gonna ask one question...Then based on your answer I might be able to explain. What does he do?
(To protect my former lover's privacy, I'll just summarize--he's doing well for himself, but still working toward getting everything in his life in order.)
Me: But still! I don't give a shit about any of that stuff because I know it's only temporary.
Him: I need to write a book or something.
Me: Lol let's write a book together. But first, tell me what's going on with him.
Him: K so to you...Those might sound like obstacles you can hurdle over... But it's the downfall of being a sexy woman with her shit together... Any man (who is actually a man) will only feel comfortable starting something with you if they know they also have their shit together. You won't understand because you're not a man.
Me: I don't understand. I mean I do. Partially. But it feels like I wasn't worth it. Like he's willing to let me go instead of just seeing what happens.
Him: Real men, and despite his current circumstances, he sounds like a real man, feel the need to provide and to have something to offer. Otherwise he will feel 1. intimidated by you and 2. less of a man. And no, he's willing to let it go on good terms with the possibility of reconnection instead of jumping into it and blowing it.
And there you have it.
Of course this theory ran through my mind (during the rare moments when I was thinking logically), and it was nice to hear that because it made me feel like it wasn't me that he was dissing. And I knew that. I know that. But it's easier to think oh, I'm not worth it or oh, there's someone else which is A. so sad and B. not always the case.
Are there guys who use the "I'm not ready" excuse because they're cowards and can't tell you what's really going on? Yes.
Are there guys who use the "I'm not ready" excuse and then end up in a relationship the next day with someone else? Yes.
Are there guys who say "I'm not ready" because they're genuinely not ready? Yes.
"No matter how good of a woman you are, you'll never be good enough to a man who isn't ready."
We, as women, tend to complicate things sometimes. I couldn't accept what this guy told me and just be like, "OK, you're not ready. I respect that," because that would make things way too easy. No, instead, I concocted thousands of possible scenarios in my head, created romantic connections to every girl on his Instagram, tried to convince myself that everything he said and we experienced was bullshit and let myself believe that I mean nothing to him.
I let my insecurities and scars from past relationships affect my current interactions, and that is fucking horrible.
Why is it easier for us to believe we're not good enough? I don't know. I really don't. Granted, this guy could be running games, but at this point it doesn't really matter anymore.
At the end of the day, being told by a guy "I'm not ready" is a good thing, because you know what that says about you? That says you're the type of woman men have to take seriously. You're the settling down type. You're the keeper--and that scares a lot of guys, but it can also motivate them.
The right guy, the guy who sees what a great catch you are and wants to be in your life, will do what he needs to do to man up and become the partner you deserve.
That's the kind of man you want beside you.