Yes, this is going to be one of those thought-provoking posts with endless rhetorical questions. No, I'm not high. I have been juicing all day, though, so I'm not entirely sane (all I want is a freakin' cheeseburger right now). Anyway, I've been listening to an eclectic mix of music recently, and a certain lyric from a specific song has been stuck in my head. The song is called "Never Fallin'" and it's by Living Legends.
"Where does love come from? Where does it go when its gone? What takes its place? And why does that space turn hard as stone?"
Every time that part comes on my radio while driving, I doze into this trance-like state (not safe, I know, but it happens) and I just start wondering, like, damn...where does that love go? What happens to it? And even scarier--was it ever really there to begin with?
I think about my past relationships, and when I was in them, I thought I was in love. But looking back, I don't know if I ever was. There's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I cared deeply for those guys. I gave a lot of myself into each and every one of them, but I don't know if that was real love.
I don't mean to sound so cold, but think about it...
If you truly, madly, deeply love someone with every sense of the word, does it ever really go away? Or does it just shift into a different form of love? If I really loved those guys, why was it so easy for me to walk away and move on with my life? Why did the sound of their name not mean a thing to me? Why did running into them unexpectedly not even faze me?
Because it wasn't love. At least not the love that I'm talking about. If it was, I'd feel something, no? Even if it was just a little sting, it would be something. Right?
(I'm just typing as thoughts come up, so I'm sorry if I seem all over the place.)
I wrote in my post about my heartbreak that my encounter with this guy made me question if I'd ever been in love before, because what I felt was unlike any other. I just can't get over that and I don't know how to feel about it.
I'm not talking about him specifically (although that would still be true), but just the general idea of the feeling I felt. How is it that I've been in four serious, long-term relationships with people that, now, I'm not sure I ever loved?
How do you know if it's really love and not something masking itself as love? I thought it was the real deal at one point, and now I don't know if that's true. That terrifies me. How do you know? HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW?
So many questions, so little answers. I did find a quote, though, that I think illustrates this idea, and if you follow The Problem With Dating on Instagram, you've seen it already...
"There is no such thing as falling out of love; There is no epiphany where you suddenly realize that your heart no longer yearns for the other; You may bury your feelings in the hollows of your heart and pretend like the flames of passion don't exist or accept the reality; You were simply never in love to begin with."
There will always be questions about love. I think that's what makes it so interesting and why we're drawn to the idea of it. That's why I write about it and that's why you take the time to read about it, but we can never put these feelings we experience into words and feel like it's justified.
We can try, and sometimes through books, poetry, music or amazing blogs (ahem), you can find a connection--and that feels good.
But ultimately, we will never be able to explain love, and maybe that's the point.