I don't remember if I've mentioned this before (probably), but there's something I do every day as a form of meditation, and if I don't do it, I feel all out of whack. It's listening to music. I know that sounds kinda like, um OK Bruna, we all listen to music. But this is different. For as long as I can remember, I would put on headphones and blast music for sometimes an hour up to three hours and just pace back and forth. Yep, I'm literally just walking in a line and then turning around and doing it all over again for hours. Nobody can be around when I do it.
I never thought it was strange until I realized how off I felt when a day would go by and I couldn't do it. Then I realized why--this is my thing. This is when I come up with my ideas, this is when I let my mind go to all the crazy places it wants to go to, this is when I think of absolutely everything. And once I'm done, I feel whole and replenished.
Anyway, the point of this post isn't to let you in on my odd habits. The point is while I was pacing the other morning, I started thinking about my love life. That's not uncommon, but I really started to question something and it's been on my mind ever since--Why do I beg for love?
(Kinda explains yesterday's post, right?)
I've expressed that there's no doubt I'm doing something wrong. There has to be. The common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me. Sure, the guys in my past aren't exactly gold medals, but that still reflects on me. I'm the one who chose them.
So while reminiscing on my past relationships (and just to be clear, I'm talking actual "boyfriends"), I came up with one very obvious thing they all had in common--I was not a priority. The first guy's priority was other girls, the second guy's priority was drugs, the third guy's priority was getting his ex back and the fourth guy's priority was alcohol.
That was so sad to me. I didn't even feel worthy enough of being a priority. Anyway, I digress (but we'll get back to that)...
After that, I began thinking about the two guys that I feel are the only two guys I've ever really loved in my life (again to be clear--neither of them fall in the "boyfriend" category). The one "soul mate" who I obsessed over for years and the other more recent guy that knocked the first guy out of the picture.
I clearly wasn't the priority for either of them, but I also never expected to be because we never reached that level. However, the common thing with the two of them is this--I constantly begged for their love.
No, I didn't get down on my knees (get your mind outta the gutter!) and plead with them to love me, but I did constantly, over and over again try to prove that I was worth loving.
Why? Why do I do that? Why do I beg? Why do I feel like I have to prove myself? Why do I go after the guys that let me go?
I don't have answers. I wish I did. I have theories. I have thoughts. But I don't have definite answers.
It's no secret that I have issues with self worth (and if it is--spoiler alert! I have issues with self worth). I'm not exactly sure where it stems from, but I own it. I own the fact that some days are harder than others. I own the fact that I try to exude confidence but there are a lot of times that I'm faking it. I own the fact that I compare myself constantly to other women and it's not fair. I own the fact that although I think I am a great person and a great woman who has a lot to offer, there are days when I look in the mirror and end up tearing myself down instead of building myself up.
I own that, and I'm working on that, because this is the root of my problem with dating.
I don't become a priority because somewhere inside of myself I don't feel deserving to be a priority. I chase after men who let me go and try to plead for their love because somewhere inside of myself I don't feel like I'm enough or worthy otherwise. It's really fucked up, and even while I type this, I wonder why it's so easy for me to apologize to people in my life who don't deserve it, but I rarely apologize to myself for being so mean to me.
Since I became single, I said I would use this time to really work on me...to become a woman I'm proud of, and I meant it. And I have been. One of the big things I had to work on was my vulnerability. It was extremely hard for me to set my pride and ego aside when it came to love. I was the girl that would constantly tell guys, "I don't need you. Remember that."
No one wants to hear that. It was a defense mechanism. I didn't want to get hurt (another spoiler--it didn't work). But what have I said before? You don't protect your heart by acting like you don't have one.
So, I opened up. I got softer. I let my emotions show. Unfortunately now, I feel like I maybe swung a little too far the other direction, and let my insecurities get the best of me in the process.
It's great to be vulnerable. But it's also great to know your worth. It doesn't always have to be fueled by your pride and ego, but I'm learning you need to find a way to master the two. It's a balance, like almost everything else in life. It's like you gotta be this kind and genuine soul who doesn't take anyone's shit.
It won't happen overnight and it'll be a constant effort on my part. The first step is recognizing that it's a problem. Check. The second step is realizing I can't depend on finding another person who will make me feel whole. Check.
The third step is finally accepting the truth, which is, finding love starts with me. I need to love me first, I need to make myself a priority and most importantly, I need to know I'm worth loving.