You forget what it's like to really like someone, or get excited about someone, or have hopes about someone--when you've been out of the game for as long as I have. Obviously, I've dated in the three (and a half?) years that I've been single, but nothing has stuck. You meet someone, you do the usual pseudo-interview without trying to make it seem like an interview (but let's be real) and then usually one of three things happens:
1. You know from the jump you'll never see this person again because the entire date you're mentally slapping yourself for wasting a perfectly good night of Netflix.
2. You might see this person again because they're cool people, but you've already decided in your head that a relationship with them is out of the question.
3. Holy hell, you just met your husband.
No. 3 is the worst one, because that's when everything changes. Your interest in that person has taken over. Your heart and brain are in overdrive. And you change.
We change when we like someone.
We go from cool and collected to batshit crazy in 60 seconds. And I'm no exception. When I like a guy, I turn into this overanalyzing, emotional, dramatic little puss-pants...and you forget what that's like until it happens to you.
Just think of two guys in your head right now--one that you're super interested in and one that's meh. I'm almost willing to bet my firstborn that you can pinpoint when you last texted with the one you like, while not even remembering the last time you talked to meh. Because you don't care about meh.
A week can go by since talking to meh boy and you wouldn't even realize it, while 30 minutes with the one you're already planning a secret wedding with feels like a lifetime.
I'd go through long spurts before having a run-in with a No. 3, and usually they're far enough apart to forget how different things can be. So when my friends are in that stage, and crying to me about why didn't he text me?! He just posted this picture! Who's this girl on his Instagram?! He doesn't like me anymore, I know it! I'm the first one to be like, girl...chill. Because I have no emotional connection to what's going on, so it's easy for me to be level-headed and rational.
But once I'm in those shoes....shit. It's like The Problem With Dating, the sequel--why didn't he text me?! He just posted this picture! Who's this girl on his Instagram?! He doesn't like me anymore, I know it!
You forget what it's like, until it's happening to you.
And I think that's one thing that scares me--and maybe even holds me back--from being in a relationship. I really like the person I am now. I like not having to worry about how a guy feels about me, or whether I'm going to see him again, or if he has chicks on the side. There's a sense of freedom there that is so priceless. So why should I risk trading that person inside of me for overly dramatic girl?
You might be expecting a thought-out and inspirational answer to that, but I don't have one. I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm hoping that the right guy won't bring that side out of me, but there's no guarantee in that. All I know is this--and I think I've said this to you before--it takes courage to let someone in. Anyone can go through life keeping people at a distance, but what do you gain from that?
None of us want to get hurt, but it happens. And look--even after dealing with heartbreak, you're still alive, so you know you can overcome it. It just becomes a matter of whether or not the risk of getting hurt again, or losing yourself for a bit in the process, is worth it.
It's different for everyone, but something tells me that I'd miss out on a helluva lot more in life if I keep myself in a bubble. Yeah, crazy Bruna might make an appearance, and yes, I might get hurt, but at least I tried.